The long, dark winter has passed

Hey, it must be the start of baseball season because I’m bitching already! The Braves bullpen was butt-puckering! The D-Rays bullpen sucked! Woooooo!

Dangerously enough, I was thinking last night. If the morons in the federal gumment can’t see fit to make Opening Day a national holiday – they should at the very least make it illegal to play baseball games on Opening Day when everybody is at friggin work. I missed every decent game that was played yesterday. What was on TV when I got home? The Royals beating the crap out of the dipstick Red Sox. The dipstick Red Sox! Who gives a flying oily turd about the dipstick Red Sox?

So I had to read all of the game stories I could find today. Truthfully, I was surprised to read that Bob Wickman pitched in yesterday’s game. I figured his lard ass would have expired by now. I can say that because I think ol’ Bob has about the same buff athletic build that I count among my own unique features. I think I may even be a few pounds lighter nowadays. And yet he’s pitching for the Braves and I’m NOT pitching for the Giants, as per my earlier plan.

Yeah, I know. He can hit the strike zone in the 90s, but so what? Ever seen anybody hit my knuckleball? Ha! NOBODY has ever hit my knuckleball. It’s a minor issue that I’ve never actually thrown a knuckleball at a batter – the point is still that NOBODY has ever hit it. It’s all about spin, baby.

Cash in on a hot commodity now, Scott Boras. Just use the comments section below and I’ll have my people get back with you soonest!